If someone in your circle of family and friends drinks too much or takes drugs, your first inclination is a desire to help that person. You may have tried talking to them in a concerned way. You may have even resorted to pleading or nagging. If so, you have since learned that neither does any good.
The reason it doesn't is of course, that you can't change or control another person. This leaves you with another question: what do I do now ? The answer to this question involves a learning process that will provide you with valuable tools for coping with a substance abuser that may just save your sanity.
Let's start by talking about substance abuse as an illness. Once a person has been taking drugs or drinking excessively for a period of time, they build up a tolerance to the substance. At that point they need more just to get the same effect. As a result the brain becomes dependent on the drugs or alcohol. That's when the person becomes addicted, and they can't stop using the substance without help or support Let me repeat the MOST important part of this: there is nothing you can do to change the situation if that person does not want to stop.
A simple and effective rule to apply to this situation is the 3 C'S:
1. You didn't Cause it
2. You can't Control it
3. You can't Cure it
Now we need to look at how substance abuse affects the family and loved ones of the abuser. Those close to a substance abuser want to do something to help them. But, in the process of trying to help, they end up feeling crazy, which is why living with a substance abuser can be "crazy-making".
My intention here is to provide information that will help you understand that substance abuse is a disease that affects not only the person drinking or drugging, but everyone in their circle of family and friends. If you apply this to your daily life and your interactions with that person, you will eventually stop worrying and attain a degree of peace of mind.
Applying this information does not mean that everything will be OK. It simply means that you will learn to detach from worrying and trying to control things. It will free your mind so you can start thinking more clearly about what is best for YOU to do.
The buzz word here is DETACH.That doesn't mean you stop caring about someone. It means that you are fully aware that you can't do anything to change them, and you stop trying. After you have lived with a substance abuser for a while, they have become the focus of your attention. You have allowed their problems to affect your serenity, and your attention has been focused on solving their problems or relieving their pain. You need support in order to detach.
Actually the substance abuser has become the focus of the entire family's attention.
In the process of all this, you begin to lose your self esteem and your sense of self worth from being excessively focused on someone outside of yourself. The substance abuser's problems become the most important thing in your life. There is a term for this: codependency. Codependency is an illness, just as addiction is an illness.
A family affected by substance abuse develops dysfunctional coping skills in order to survive. These dysfunctional skills involve a set of behavior characteristics that involve roles that family members play in their reaction to the abuser.
These are the roles:
1. Caretaker
2. Hero
3. Scapegoat
4. Mascot
5. Lost Child
These are the details of the roles:
CARETAKER: This is usually the spouse of the abuser, or the parent if the abuser is a teenager or young adult living with them. They are constantly trying to "fix" the person and their problems. They feel an enormous amount of shame and guilt for the problem, and may try to cover it up with families and friends. They are the one who calls the abuser's employer if the person can't go to work because of alcohol sickness: a hangover. They are the person who cleans up the problems and messes that the person's behavior creates.
HERO: The Hero is most often the oldest child who has had to clean up after the problems of the abuser. They feel overly responsibile for the addicted person. They usually grow up too soon and are older than their age
SCAPEGOAT: This child is one who gets blamed for things they didn't do. They become the escape valve for the family,often diverting the attention off of the family problems created by the abuser
MASCOT: This is the clown of the family. They have learned that doing funny, cute things eases the tension when the abuser is present and/or under the influence of the alcohol or drugs.
LOST CHILD: This child tries to escape from the family problems by simply disapearing
into their rooms, reading or some other activity that keeps them away from the abuser. This is also an emotional or physical self-protection strategy.
Obviously, not all families have four members in addition to the abuser. When that iis the case, one child often plays more than one role. Families of substance abusers overcompensate for the disorder, develop excessive sensitivity to others' need and guess at what normal is.
One VERY vital thing that families of substance abusers can learn is allowing that person to take consequences of their behavior. If that was to happen, the abuser would have to make a choice: stop drinking and drugging or suffer severe consequences. If no one cleans up after them, makes excuses, or tries to cover up the problem, the abuser can't continue for long on their current path.
It is important to remember that a substance abuser CAN make choices if faced with consequences. If the entire family detaches from their behavior the chances are strong that they will choose to get help.
The following is a list or resources and support groups that are available in your community or online:
Alanon
Alateen
Families Anonymous
Codependents Anonymous
National Council of Alcoholism and Drug Dependence
If you live in a rural community or on a Native American Reservatiion where none of these resources are available, you can choose to start your own group. If you contact NCADD online or by phone you can get guidelines for 12 step support groups.
The support and help that you get from others in the same situation as you can help you follow these guidelines.
Watch this site for online classes that will soon be available for families of substance abusers.
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